Internal Flight

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In my dreams, I don’t have to fight gravity, I only have to flex some hidden internal muscle to lift off from the ground. I don’t even stretch out my arms (thank God, that would look so silly!), and just float effortlessly up to the heights over the trees where I can see the earth below me. There is no sensation of movement or speed, just a presence over the earth. I guess I would describe it most like rising up to the surface and floating in water, but upside down, where you can see everything under you. Thrilling. Don’t start with me about Freudian interpretations, I think Freud had way bigger problems than I do.

Strangely enough, my awake-self is afraid of heights. I have a recurring nightmare of falling off a bridge. Riding in the car with my parents, looking out the window at the concrete barrier posts of the bridge flashing by, my father inexplicably pulls off to the side of the bridge and stops. I get out, climb the railing (who knows why) and teeter on the edge for some sweat-soaking, scream-inspiring moments before  falling towards the water below. Waking up before I hit, I’m still alive to redream that terror again and again. Hitchcock made Vertigo for a reason.

I’ve made an intense hobby of watching the wing-flap position in every phase of flight to ease my horror in commercial aircraft. My father, an Air Force Senior Master-Sergeant taught me the correct positions to calm me down. Like there would be anything I could do if they were not in the right position. Not that I have avoided heights or flying, I simply recognize my fear and plan for it. On planes,  mostly with wine.

I did however, almost brain an pimply-faced teenager over the Swiss glacier “Les Diablerets”, when  he announced it might be funny if we all bounced up and down in the Volkswagen-sized gondola to …” see what would happen”. I tell you what happened, I froze him in his tracks with one look and he trailed off to contemplate how many times he might bounce if I threw him out the window of the gondola.

He did not know I could fly in my dreams.